Quick and Dirty Guide to Maui

Kihei has been our hometown for both of our trips to Maui. The first time we were there, we stayed at a resort called Hale Pau Hana that was on Kamaole beach. Both the resort and the beach were amazing! Across the street was a great shopping center with a Whaler's General Store. The first thing you gotta do when you get to Maui is buy yourself a big-ass hat, a $10 ukulele, some sunscreen, and some Hawaiian Host Chocolate Covered Macadamia Nuts. The second time we went to Maui, we stayed at an apartment called Kapulanikai, which has a huge, beautiful green lawn and a very generous mango tree - I ate mangoes almost every day. The sunsets on that lawn were so relaxing... A cool breeze would start blowing through the palm trees in the evenings, then Al and his weinerdog Tiny, would drive over on a golf cart and feed the feral kitties. A little later, everything would be silhouetted against a gorgeous sunset and then the stars would come out - a crapload of stars - a beautiful, sparkly crapload. And finally it would get a little too cold to be out in your swimsuit and you'd walk back to the apartment through a lawn covered in huge toads and snails - they would come out of hiding in the evenings and claim the lawn in the name of Toaddom. But enough of that crap, right? This is a guide.

Important note about booking stuff: do it weeks (if possible) or days (at least) in advance. Events and "activities" fill up quickly.

I will reference a book called Maui Revealed several times. Get it.

Kihei:

• Go get drinks at the South Shore Tiki Lounge. They have the best bartender I've ever met - he's friendly, gives suggestions on drinks, and gives an honest opinion about all the liquor and beer they sell. He also plays some great 90's weirdo music. When we went most recently he was playing The Country Death Song by The Violent Femmes - great song.
• Get breakfast at the Kihei Caffe. I highly recommend pancakes and coconut syrup. I also highly recommend everything else.
• If you don't wanna eat out every night (cuz it gets expensive), go grocery shopping at Hawaiian Moons.
  
• Go to Big Beach. It will instill you with a healthy amount of fear/respect for the ocean. Don't get your neck snapped by the shore break waves or I will be sad.
• Go to any of the Kamaole beaches. They're all white and sandy and beautiful and not too crowded usually and have decent snorkeling.
• Go to Po'olenalena Beach. It's hard to find - look for a sign on the side of the road near a yellow metal gate once you get in the area. It's rarely crowded and has the best snorkeling. Beth and Jake said that it was way better than paying for a crowded, stupid Molokini tour. We saw four sea turtles and a ton (probably literally) of fluorescent fish. This is the beach where we got married, by the way...

Snorkeling:

• Go to Snorkel Bob's and get some cheap $10/week Jacques-Cousteau-lookin' black rubber snorkel junk. If you're feeling uppity, get the more expensive, less-'tarded looking stuff to make yourself feel better. Either way, Snorkel Bob's is the best.
• Don't waste your money on a tour. Just find a quiet beach, preferably in the morning. Look for a rocky outcropping and start swimming. You will see all kindsa crazy crap - just don't touch none of it!
• Don't drown or get eaten by sharks.

The Road to Hana:

• Get some cash for park fees at the end of the road, pack a good lunch, wear a swimsuit, and wear some good water shoes or hiking shoes.
  
• Start early - like really early - like be out the door by 8 if you wanna actually stop anywhere and check anything out. If you don't leave till 10 or 11, just skip all the stops and enjoy the drive - it's ridiculously verdant and pretty.
  
• Drive safe or you will die.
  
• Don't bother with one of those audio guide CDs - they're all garbage. Use the Maui Revealed book to attempt to find some waterfalls - it's cryptic and confusing though. Just persevere and you'll be rewarded eventually.
• Stop somewhere and get some over-hyped banana bread. It won't change your life or anything, but it is pretty tasty.
• Stop at the Garden of Eden and check out all the birds and plants. There are tame peacocks and ducks - maybe not everyone's cup of tea, but my inner child enjoyed it.
• I regret not stopping at Waianapanapa Park - perhaps you should check it out and lemme know if it's cool. It's allegedly got a nice black sand beach.
  
• Skip the town of Hana itself - there's nothing to see there, hehe. I've never stopped there anyway.
• Do not miss this part! Go all the way to Kipahulu area of Haleakala National Park. Pay the fee. Keep your ticket stub - you can use it again (within 3 days) to get into the other parts of Haleakala National Park for free. Start hiking. You will be hiking for several hours. It is all worth it. First you will go past some beautiful waterfalls - go swimming if you wish, but don't dawdle too much. You will go through some forest. You will reach the entrance to a bamboo forest. The bamboo will block out all daylight and it will be creepy and awesome. You will hike for a while through this. You will find a secret at the end that we mortals aren't worthy to behold... don't get killed by falling rocks.

Mama's Fish House/Paia:

You could theoretically fit this into the Road to Hana adventure, but it'd be rough. Go to Mama's Fish House. It'll come out to $100/person, but it's fantastic and the hype is justified. The food is great - especially the lau lau, the drinks are great tasting if perhaps slightly weak, the service is fantasic, the venue is piiiiimp - but island pimp - lot's of fine furnishings and driftwood and local flare. Walk around after you eat. Wander around the grounds outside as well. This is your one and only time to dress up nice and go on a date. If you want to leave a little early, you can wander around Paia before you go eat - it's like a smaller version of Lahaina. I didn't find anything really notable there, but that doesn't mean you won't.

Lahaina:

• You can make this a short stop on the way to West Maui, or you can make a day of it by chartering some kinda boat or submarine in advance. Tell me how a boat charter goes if you do that - I've never gone on a cruise or a sail or whatever in Maui.
  
• Eat at the original Cheeseburger in Paradise - everything's good - not just the burgers.
• Check out the Banyan Tree Park and reflect upon the fact that this forest is actually all one massive tree. ONE TREE! Unbelievable!
• Book a submarine ride at Atlantis Adventures - it's worth it if you've never been on a sub before. You'll probably see some rays and eels and possibly even some sharks. Plus you get to experience science - almost all light except ultraviolet gets filtered out once you get deep... It's weird.
  
• Check out all the art. This place is apparently one of the larger art capitals of the world.
• Don't bother hanging out after dark - the nightlife is back in Kihei.

West Maui:

• This is another long trip, but it's worth it. This is the hot, dry side of Maui. Wear good shoes, pack snacks and lots of water, don't bother with a hat - it'll be too windy.
• The "falling rocks" signs are not just for show here - drive safe and watch for rubble and/or boulders on the road.
• Read the directions in the Maui Revealed book for the "acid warzone" hike. Go on it. It's rad.
• Look at the ocean - I have never seen a more powerful force of nature than these waves crashing against the jagged rocks below.
• Keep going until you reach the Nakalele Blowhole. You will know it when you see it - it's not a tiny little puff of mist - it's a huge geyser. Go play in it, but don't fall in or you will die.
• Don't go too near the cliffs around the blowhole either - the ocean is sneaky in this area and just when you start to get used to it, it will send a huge wave up and over that barrier and knock you over and/or drag you screaming out to sea where it will pulp you against the rocks below. (This phenomenon as well as the awesomeness of the blowhole itself vary depending on the time of day/tide/wind.)
• Once you're bored of the blowhole, go try to find the Olivine Pools.

Iao Valley:

• Stop at the Bailey House Museum in Wailuku. It's got some damn interesting stuff to look at/read about.
• Go see Iao Valley.
• Don't allow the tiny paved "official" trail area to confine you - just start walking towards the needle on one of the dirt paths and see where you go.
• The trails branch a lot. Don't get lost in the woods and die.
• See all that yellow fruit on the ground? Find a good one and eat it. It's passion fruit (aka. "lilikoi"). If you do get lost, at least you won't die of starvation. And come to think of it, there aren't really any large predators in Maui, or snakes, or anything dangerous. If you manage to die in Iao Valley you must be some kinda crazy, accident prone dumbass.

Haleakala:

• Remember that ticket stub from the end of the Road to Hana trip? Here's where you'll use it.
• Don't be fooled into going to see a sunrise on Haleakala. It is really, without exaggeration, barely above freezing and there are 20 to 30 mph wind gusts. Unless you specifically packed a thick winter wardrobe, you will regret it.
• On the drive up and on some of the hikes, watch for the cloud layer. When you're in it, it's like being in some ghost world. Freaky! Nothing's quite as amazing and driving down into the clouds either.
  
• Go on as many of the hiking trails as you can. Seeing the Haleakala "crater" from each one is amazing. Sit down at the end of a good hike and watch the clouds spill into the valley.
• See if you can find some silverswords before they go extinct. They're up towards the very top where it's mostly reddish volcanic rock.
• Check out a sunset perhaps? I didn't do it, but I will if I ever get another chance.
• Book an adventure at Skyline Eco Adventures. They tell great jokes. "What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? Boo-bees! ...they're my favorite kind of bees too." Hehehe.

Luau:

• Just go see one. Book well in advance if you can. I've been to the highest rated "Old Lahaina Luau", which was great, but the other one I went to in Kihei (I forget the name) was fun too.

I'll get photos of our Maui trip up soon. Send me stories of yours if you ever go!