Detox

I've been on a detoxification diet for 11 days. Andrea wanted to do it because she was having unexplainable headaches and just felt unhealthy in general. I joined her because I wanted to support her - I wanted to help her get through this brutal diet...

Basically, it's a raw, organic vegetable diet. Well, that's not exactly it... Let me try to explain it. In the morning you must follow a rigid procedure. Wake up. Squeeze half a lemon into a glass of water. Drink it. Drink a second glass of water without lemon. Eat one piece of fruit. Wait for half an hour. Eat a bowl of whole grain ______ (fill in the blank with something that's gluten-free.) We've been eating quinoa - it's actually pretty good. You are allowed to add a little salt and some "Better Butter", which is a half and half mixture of butter and olive oil. That's it. Done with breakfast. For lunch you eat organic vegetables - raw or steamed. We've been eating broccoli, kale, onions, asparagus, beets, radishes, carrots, and potatoes. Between 3pm and 6pm you are permitted to eat 4 ounces of protein which can be in the form of chicken or fish if you wish. For dinner, see lunch. That's the diet. Nothing else. No nuts, no sugar, no coffee, no milk, no cheese, no bread, no bacon, no burritos, no kolaches. And you are allowed to drink herbal teas and water only.

I don't know whether the diet is to blame or not, but I'm covered in rashes or hives or something of that nature. My back, arms, and legs have incredibly itchy bumps all over them. It's rad. I've been WebMDing and Googling to try to figure out what this crap it. As far as I can tell it's either eczema, scabies, or the "toxins" being released from my body. I dunno. I wish it was scabies - that'd be hilarious going from the top of the food chain down to something that microscopic mites feed on.

Today we decided of our own accord to loosen the restrictions a little. We're adding gluten-free bread products, nuts, and the ability to eat any of the items on the diet at any time one pleases. So, we're still eating healthy, but it's not so damn structured. I have to say, it's been interesting so far. At first I was hungry and weak all the time. I got over that a few days ago (presumably my body re-learned how to manage blood sugar levels instead of letting me manage them via tasty snacks, coffee, and soda.) Now I'm slowly weaning myself back on to "real" food. Hopefully I will keep what I have learned, which is:

• Vegetables are tasty.
• ...and cheap by comparison.
• Whole Foods has some crazy crap in the produce section (galanga root???)
• Beets make everything come out red.
• Healthy wife = happy wife.
• Happy wife = happy life.
• A bacon a day keeps the scabies away? Still working on that theory...

We're ending the diet on Feb 13th, so don't ask us out for beers or dinner until then, cuz it's just torture.