Independence Day 2015

This morning we biked to Arbor Lodge Park, and the kids played in the sand pit. This weird Portland heat wave was too much to handle though, so we decided to find a shadier park. Andrea hadn't been to Pier Park before, so I suggested that we go there - it's really shady due to all the huge trees. It was kind of a brutal ride there, hauling 70 lbs. of meat in the bike trailer for 5 miles in the 90-something degree heat. Pier Park was definitely worth it though. The playground isn't amazing, but the tall trees and sunlit meadows contrast perfectly, creating a beautiful scene.

We crammed some snacks in the boys, turned them loose on the park, then I instigated an minor skirmish against the Resistance in a game I've been playing called Ingress. I attacked fiercely, but ultimately ineffectively... After that we ate at Burgerville, and started the long trek back home. The kids fell asleep in the bike trailer - their little helmeted heads clunking sweetly together as they both passed out from a combination of heat and exhaustion. We put them down for a proper nap when we got home.

The next stop was the Peninsula Park splash pad. There's really not much else to do in this heat. The final stop was home, where we had an easy dinner of leftovers, bathed the children, and watched My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic until our faces went numb. Corbin is a bronie.

Perhaps I'll stay up late enough to see some fireworks. Or, more likely, I'll go to sleep early and get woken up repeatedly by the sound of fireworks...

Go 'murika and stuff.

Baby Skills, Arabic Skills, IPv6 Skills

The last twenty-five days have been very educational. I've learned at least three major new sets of skills!

The most practical skills I've learned are Baby Skills. The last few weeks have been baby boot camp. I've learned how to hold the baby in a number of different positions that are comfortable for both of us. My favorite is a one-armed monkey-on-a-branch kind of hold. I can even eat while holding the baby! I've learned how to burp and "fart" the baby. I got eight farts in a row out of him once! Beat that high score! I am an expert ass-wiper. And most importantly, I've learned to interpret baby body language. Red face, arched back, clawing at the throat, and a series of slow, low screeches means there's a burp that needs to come out. A similar cry with legs flailing is a fart. A mild but inconsolable whimper is almost certainly a wet or dirty diaper. When he starts giving me purple nurples and head-butting me, it means he wants to eat. If all of his needs appear to be met,  but he's still being a grumble monkey, then he probably just wants to cuddle or something... And when it's finally time for him to sleep, I've learned a few good techniques for knocking him out and keeping him down. Booyah, baby! I win! Baby skills!

Instead of sleeping when the baby was sleeping, I decided to learn other skills. One of these was learning how to phonetically read Arabic (specifically the Naskh script). I know it seems like a weird skill to learn, but I just follow my obsessions, I don't really pick them... I had recently gotten my old genealogy website back online with a new version of the software and... well... long story short I'm super Type A about the information in there, so I was trying to get people's names and locations in there in the native language. I got Ilya to put enter his family's names in Russian, and while Andrea's dad was here, I had him enter his family's names in Arabic. So, for example, instead of "Kamel Mustafa Abdine", I had him enter "كامل موصطفى عابدين". After populating the database with all of these Arabic names, I wanted to learn how to actually read them... so I did, thanks to my father-in-law Mohamad, the Shariah Program, Madinah Arabic, and various Wikipedia articles. I don't really know any words or grammar yet, but I know the alphabet, and I can pronounce most words with reasonable accuracy considering that they don't write down the vowels in Arabic words...

After the high of learning how to read Arabic dulled a little, I found yet another obsession: IPv6. It's a new protocol that was designed a decade ago to fix a lot of problems with the current Internet Protocol (IPv4). Apparently it wasn't sexy enough though, because even now, after we've officially run out of IP addresses, it's still hard to find anyone who actually uses the new protocol... The closest analogy I can make is to the whole Y2K thing. Do you remember that? Do you remember what a disaster it was? Me either. The IPv4 to IPv6 transition is like that. It needs to happen at some point kinda soon, it's gonna be a ton of work for us IT people, and no one will really notice or care when it happens... Anyway, it's bleeding edge and neato and there's a whole other Internet out there running on IPv6 that no one even knows about that I wanted to be a part of, so I decided to connect to it! That decision was the easy part. I'm still working on actually getting everything working... I signed up for a 6in4 tunnel from Hurricane Electric since Grande Communications (my ISP) doesn't yet have an IPv6 infrastructure. I had to install DD-WRT on my router, because the factory firmware options for IPv6 didn't work for me. I've now been mucking about with settings in my router and on my computers for about 3 days, but I've mostly done it! I have a web server serving content on the IPv6 Internet, and I can access the IPv6 world. Ha! Plus, my home network now supports up to 18,446,744,073,709,551,616 devices (that's eighteen quintillion, four hundred forty-six quadrillion, seven hundred forty-four trillion, seventy-three billion, seven hundred nine million, five hundred fifty-one thousand, six hundred sixteen). So, like, we're not running out of addresses again anytime soon. By comparison, the entire IPv4 Internet only supports a measly 4,294,967,296 devices (four billion, blah, blah, blah... There's not even enough for one per person! Lame!)

Anyway, I gotta go cuddle a baby.
Check me out at http://ipv6.evanstucker.com/ whenever you get on the new Internet.
مساء الخير

Cancer

I was diagnosed with lymphoma a few weeks ago. Lymphoma is a cancer of the lymphatic system.

Let me stop right here and mention that the prognosis is excellent. I will probably be cured in 6 weeks or so. I have a very rare, very special case, and it's very minor. Let me reiterate, I will probably be cured in 6 weeks. I am fine. I'm not dying any faster than the rest of you... So, take a deep breath, relax, and let me tell you this ridiculous story...

In July of 2003, I wrote a blog entry about a weird, red, puffy lump on my arm. In January of 2005 I finally had it diagnosed. It was a rare form of cutaneous lupus. It was only on my skin, not systemic, and it didn't pose any threat, so I just ignored it. I had a few other similar red, puffy lumps, and I assumed they were the same thing, so I ignored them too. That was a mistake...

The original lump on my arm disappeared on its own, but I still had a lump on my left thigh. I was always kind of annoyed at having "lupus" on my permanent medical record, because it's one of those things that insurance companies like to hassle you about. So, I decided to go get this other lump checked out to see if really was lupus - remember, I assumed that it was the same as the lump on my arm, so I assumed it was lupus. I was thinking that maybe I was misdiagnosed the first time around.

On April 12th, 2011, I went to a dermatologist, and had her take a biopsy of the lump on my thigh. Around a week later, she scheduled me to come back to her office to discuss the results. She looked very concerned as she sat me down, and then she told me about the lymphoma...

I like to call it "dill buckle" - that's how I remember its name, "Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma (DLBCL)", or, to be exact, "Primary Cutaneous Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma, other". The extra bits at the beginning and end are very important. If you search the Internet for "DLBCL", you will not see comforting results, and you will not see my affliction. Like I said earlier, I have a rare, cutaneous form of lymphoma. It's just on that one spot. And that ", other" at the end is good too - that means I don't have the ", leg type", which is nastier. Really, all I have is a little, red, occasionally itchy lump on my thigh with a very alarming name...

At this point I've endured a few miserable tests to confirm all of this crap. I've had a bone marrow aspiration and biopsy, which is basically where they hand-drill a very large needle into your hip, then suck out the bone juice, then drill more, and get a chunk of the marrow itself. ...Sorry, I should have warned you before describing that probably... It's as unpleasant as it sounds. I made the mistake of watching a YouTube video of it before getting it done. I highly recommend that you don't watch it. The anticipation was almost, but not quite, as bad as the pain. And the pain was pretty intense for a few moments - not dissimilar to breaking a bone, actually.

I've also had a combination PET and CT scan. These involved drinking 2 and a half cups of barium, which wasn't bad at all. Then I had to get injected with fludeoxyglucose, which is a form of radioactive sugar. That one almost made me pass out - I hate needles, and I have a particularly strong psychosomatic reaction to things being injected into me. I had to lay still for 45 minutes, then lay perfectly still for another 30 or so while they scanned me. It's surprisingly hard to lay perfectly still... Then they brought me inside, and I did a CT scan which is basically a series of x-rays of my guts. For that one, they had to hook me up to another IV - this time with iodine.

The technology behind these scans are amazing, by the way. Just mind-blowing! The PET scan in particular is fascinating! So, P.E.T. is Positron Emission Tomography. The way it works is that they inject you with this radioactive sugar, it congregates in areas of "activity" such as the brain, lungs, heart, and anywhere that is fighting an infection of some sort (eg. a tumor). What happens next is the amazing part! This radioactive sugar shoots out positrons, which are electrons with a positive charge, then those positrons encounter electrons in your body and they annihilate each other, causing matter to convert directly into energy - in this case, the energy is in the form of gamma rays. Then the scanner detects the gamma rays... Anyway, read more about it here. The science is fascinating!

...and yet, as fascinating as it is, I was also enraged by how backwards and stupid it all seemed... So, it's a known fact that ionizing radiation causes cancer. That is, radiation that's strong enough to knock electrons off of molecules is a carcinogen, a cancer-causing agent. X-rays and gamma rays are both forms of ionizing radiation. So, in an effort to see if I had cancer anywhere else in my body, I was subjected to carcinogenic radiation. I couldn't hug my pregnant wife for a day after getting the PET scan, because I was radioactive! This guy has an interesting video about being radioactive. I was exposed to around 24mSv of radiation from these scans. The average background radiation a normal person is exposed to in a year is about 2.4mSv - so I got about 10 years worth of background radiation in one day... It's an interesting coincidence that I was irradiated at the same time as Japan's nuclear disaster. All the media attention has prompted people to generate lots of interesting info on radiation - my favorite is this neat chart on XKCD. Anyway, it does seem pretty backwards to be subjecting a person with cancer to all of this radiation, right? It's like going to the hospital with a severe burn, and having the doctor come out with a blowtorch to burn off the burn... it's ridiculous!

All the tests came back negative, by the way. The cancer seems to be just on this one spot on my thigh. Since lymphoma reacts so strongly to radiation, they are recommending that I get focused radiation treatment on the spot, and on a small around around it. No chemotherapy has been recommended at this point, which is good, because, ironically, chemo also causes cancer, heh.

The biggest downside to all of this was the timing. For a couple of weeks, I was so upset by all of these health issues that I was barely thinking about my soon-to-be-born son. I got tunnel vision where all I could see was cancer. It was terrible... Thankfully, that time has passed. We're over the major hurdles. No more oncologist visits. No more worrying about this tiny, slightly itchy spot on my thigh. I'll probably be starting radiation therapy in a week or two, and it lasts about five weeks. Before I'm done, I'll have a baby boy! Despite being so close, it's still impossible to think of myself as a father. It's just one of those things. It took me a while to get used to being called "husband" too. I'm so excited about the future! I can wait to teach this kid about rocks and bugs and science and fire and everything. Watch him turn out to be a jock. Perhaps instead I'll finally have to learn about soccer and baseball and football! It doesn't really matter. I'm just ready to meet this little dude!

Eating Trout

My coworkers are obsessed with this Ustream show called Decorah Eagles. It's just a webcam up in an eagle's nest. There's a lady eagle and three little baby eagles that just hang out and and nap all day. Occasionally, there's an eagle dude that brings them all a delicious trout to eat.

Today, my dinner was a can of Ranch Style Beans... I want trout! These damn eagles are eating better than me! Hehe.

Miserable Story

Some lizards have taken up residence in my backyard. I first noticed them when I was opening the heavy, wrought-iron gate that spans the driveway. As I leaned into the gate to get it rolling, I heard some rustling at my feet. Like a striped bullet, a whiptail lizard shot across the driveway! It was a beautiful creature - about six inches long with iridescent stripes down its back. It turned once to look at me inquisitively, then darted into the grass so quickly that it was as if it just disappeared! A few days later, I had a similar encounter as I walked out onto the patio, except that time there were two of them. I've seen them several times now over the last few weeks. They remind me of my childhood. I was always chasing, capturing, examining, and releasing little creatures as a child, and now that I'm having a kid of my own, it makes me happy to know that he'll have lizards to chase too.

In addition to the resurgence of life around the house, springtime always gives me a wave of energy. As penance for buying a sailboat and a truck, I've given Andrea a spiral notebook to fill with tasks for me. I've been adding tasks for myself too. It feels great to be productive every day! Today's task was to change the oil in my new-to-me Dodge truck. I was also going to be teaching this worthless, messy skill to a friend... Beth and her daughter Milla came over around 9:30 A.M. We went to AutoZone, got oil and filters, grabbed some tools and rags from the garage, and tossed Milla in the trunk of my wife's car so we could start working! Who needs a babysitter when you have a trunk, right? I should clarify - we just put Milla and some of her toys in the back of the hatchback with the hatch up - it was cleaner than the garage floor... After Beth and I finished changing the oil in our vehicles, we went over to entertain Milla and relax for a moment. Apparently, the words "poopy" and "boogers" are hilarious to Milla. You can imagine her blurbles of joy at the combination of the two into the apogee of comedic words, "poopyboogers".

All of this entertainment was interrupted by a sudden burst of squawking near the garage. I walked over to see what was going on, and witnessed a roadrunner in mid-murder. It snatched up one of the lizards, and was thrashing it around. I tried to scare it so that it would drop the lizard, but it just ran over to the fire pit and proceeded to bash the little lizard against the rocks. The other lizard poked its head out of its hiding spot, and watched its mate's grisly fate. And then, suddenly, it was over... The roadrunner was gone... I stared down at the remaining lizard. He looked back at me and didn't run. He was stunned. I can only imagine how his little brain was processing this horrific incident... Andrea called us in to eat lunch. I went back out after eating to check on the lizard. He was still looking listless and depressed.

My heart is broken for this poor little lizard.

Old Blog Reborn

I'm slowly backfilling this blog with all my old blog crap from 1999 onward. If you want to remember how much of a huge dork I was back in the day, check out the Blog Archive at the bottom of this page.

Jonestown

The last couple of times that I've hung out with Krishan, he told the same joke. Here it is:

Have you heard the joke about the Jonestown Massacre?
I'd tell it to you, but the punchline is too long.

I was confused both times, because I didn't really know anything about the Jonestown Massacre... I forgot about it until I went to the library earlier this week to get some more music. I go there pretty regularly on my dinner breaks to borrow stuff to listen to at work. While I was browsing through their CDs, I stumbled upon a band named The Brian Jonestown Massacre! I always act on weird little coincidences like this, so I grabbed it. After I got back to work, I listened to it while reading the Wikipedia entry for Jonestown. That was an odd experience: ready about the Jonestown Massacre while listening to The Brian Jonestown Massacre.

It's a bad joke... but at least I get it now.

Jaguar Haiku

I'm a jaguar.
That's how the British say it.
I say it jaguar.

Total Solar Eclipses

I've been putting the dates and locations of total solar eclipses on my calendar for several years now. There's usually one every year or two. I really want to see one someday...

Last years eclipse would have been awesome*! It swept over Shanghai! Can you imagine being in a city of nearly 20 million people and watching overhead as day becomes night!?! Well, you don't have to imagine it - it happened! There are tons of videos and pictures. *But, it actually sucked because it was cloudy. I'm glad I didn't go, because tickets to Shanghai are prohibitively expensive and I would have been extremely upset to spend all that money to see nothing...

This year's total solar eclipse will really only be viewable from Easter Island. I had pretty much disregarded it until this evening... I have been going through my music collection and I dug up this old psybient album by Shpongle. I randomly decided to check out their website, and I discovered that they're touring in Easter Island during the time of the eclipse! In fact, there's a huge psychedelic music and arts "Honu Eclipse" festival going on because of the eclipse! I'm not an acid-tripping hippie, but I'll be damned if I don't love their stupid music... Sadly, this once-in-a-lifetime event of psychedelic cosmic alignment is even more expensive than Shanghai. The get there, I'd have to fly from Austin to Santiago, Chile, then take a local flight from Santiago to Easter Island. The AUS to SCL ticket would be about $1200, and the SCL to NUI (Easter Island) ticket would be another $700 at least. Tons of people have already booked their trip, so prices are skyrocketing. And finally, a ticket to the festival is apparently $700 - pretty insane price gouging if you ask me. Total cost for this adventure (excluding hotel, food, and lost wages because I'm just a contractor): $3,400 each... QQ


Well, there's always the future... The distant future... There are no total solar eclipses in 2011. The one in 2012 is in the middle of the ocean. The next one after that is in 2015 and it's close to Iceland, but not close enough. The one in 2016 is in Indonesia, and I have been tempting Andrea with the idea of a trip to Bali... However, the point of maximum eclipse is, once again, in the middle of the ocean...

The final total solar eclipse that I'll mention is on August 21, 2017 near Hopkinsville, Kentucky. I suspect that this will be the first total solar eclipse that I'll get to see in my life. Somehow it's a little more exciting when I think of going to some faraway place to see one, but I suppose middle-of-nowhere Kentucky will have to do. Mark your calendars!

...Or maybe Andrea will wanna blow eight grand on a last-minute trip to a distant, mystical island to hang out at a psychedelic music festival while we watch the universe wink at us...

Real Updates

I realized today that I don't ever write anything of my own anymore. I have all these different social media websites linked into Google Buzz and Facebook, and I share articles, videos, and junk every day, but I don't share anything about myself... Well, here's a refreshing and real update for once.

In the last month or two:

• I resigned my job at RenewData.
• I got a new job at Charles Schwab on an operations team. It's like the entry-level position of the next rung up on the ladder. As Andrea put it, it's like going from being the manager of Burger King to a waiter at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse.
• Andrea's mom came to visit us. I took her to Half Price Books. She loved it. I forgot how awesome that place is. It makes me wanna spend money.
• Andrea got a job at the Embassy Suites. She's starting a new career in the hospitality industry. She's also at the bottom of the first rung at the moment, but she's hoping to one day be a hotel manager or something.
• I have been thinking about making a birdhouse or a bird feeder shaped like a giant nose with a moustache. I think a feeder would be better. The birds would stand on the moustache and pick food out of the nose. Pretty awesome, right? I kinda wanna make a bird house shaped like a butt too - is that too rude? Maybe I'll put it in the backyard instead of the front yard, hehe.
• Andrea had to have minor surgery on her leg due to "spindle beavers" or something like that - not a serious issue, just precautionary.
• The mountain laurel in our front yard bloomed for the first time ever. I planted it six years ago... The blooms smell like fruity girl-drinks.
• Andrea, Claudia (Andrea's mom), and I went to Estancia Churasceria for my mom's birthday. Delicious.
• I also went to the Ladybird Johnson Wildflower with my mom and wife for the first time. That place is awesome! All the flowers were in bloom. I smelled all kindsa new flowers I'd never smelled before. There's a big stone tower out there too - Andrea and I climbed to the top and enjoyed the great view. There's also some great statuary - my favorite one was the giant ants.
• I discovered that the Giant Spiderwort (the purple flowers I have in my yard) smell like limes if you stick your nose right on them.

So, reading back over that list we discover that I'm obsessed with flowers. Real manly, buddy... Whatever. It's Spring. Get off your computer and get outside!

Viking Metal!!!

Tyr is my favorite viking metal band! This show is gonna be badass! If you're going, lemme know in the comments. If not, get your tickets - everyone should experience a viking metal show at least once.

Toccarsi le palle!

So, I was watching a movie by Jim Jarmusch last night called Night on Earth. It was pretty decent - similar to Coffee and Cigarrettes. At one point, the Italian taxi driver, played by Roberto Benigni - who was apparently ad-libbing many of lines - said "Bad luck! Touch my balls!" (That was what the English subtitle said anyway.) I looked up the phrase. Apparently it's the vulgar, Italian equivolent of "knock on wood" - it's something they say/do when a bad omen appears. Anyway, I thought it was hilarious and just wanted to share... Now you know a new Italian phrase! Yay!

The State of Console Gaming

Many Christmases ago, my parents gave me an Atari 7800. It was an amazing system. I had a trackball for playing Warlords, a couple of two-button joysticks, and I eventually built up a collection of around thirty games. I used to go to Kay Bee Toys at the Post Oak Mall to buy games - I think they were only around $5 each.

After the Atari, I got a Nintendo. Then I got a Super Nintendo. This was the golden years of console gaming. Or at least, that's what I like to think, because it was a very big part of my life. I never made it past the Super Nintendo. I switched over to PC gaming after that. I wanted a Playstation (which everyone at the time was calling a "waitstation" because of the long loading times for games). I wanted a Dreamcast. I wanted a lot of things, but the equipment kept getting more and more expensive and I grew further and further away from the console scene.

A couple of years ago, I got Andrea a Nintendo Wii for her birthday. I thought it would kickstart a new era of gaming for me. It didn't. The game selection was (still is) pretty pathetic and even if it weren't, how is one supposed to get a good diverse library of games when they're all $30 to $50? I'm a grown man with a great job, but I just can't abide that price for games that are essentially all just prettier looking versions of old $5 games. And don't call me a hypocrit, because I still go back and play and enjoy the hell out of those old Nintendo games. I'm currently re-playing the Castlevania series. I beat the first one, now I'm on Castlevania II: Simon's Quest. Anyway, the Wii has mostly been collecting dust. The only game that's truly fun to play is Super Mario Galaxy. I say this with nearly complete ignorance, because I just don't really know what's out there. No one I know hangs out and plays Wii. No one talks video games. We've all moved on to house and career oriented conversation...

Recently, my friend Brian got a PS3. I jokingly told his roommate Beth to tell him to bring it over. She actually did ask him, and he actually did bring it, and it ressurrected the part of me that loved console gaming. We played Little Big Planet for several days. The last time I played a console and really had fun was when I discovered Katamari Damacy on a PS2. Perhaps I've been throwing my money in the wrong direction. Nintendo was so good back in the day, but they seem to have lost their way...

So, what it all boils down to is that I've been contemplating video games a lot lately. Before I played on Brian's PS3 I had just given up - I wanted to sell the Wii. Now I'm thinking I'd rather keep it and get some new games... and maybe get a PS3 as well... I just sold my drum kit which I never played, so perhaps that money could go towards a new system. I started looking only for Wii games, PS3 systems, and PS3 games. I like to research things into the ground until I know everything about them... Mostly what I've found out is that I don't know if I can justify $300 for a PS3 (not including any games or extra controllers or cables). I don't know if I can justify $40 for new Wii games ($20 for some crappy used ones). I would like to get back into things slowly - cautiously - I have a bad habit lately of spending too much money on things that I don't end up caring about (see "drum kit" above). So, I started looking into rental and trading options in regards to new games for the Wii and even that seems like kind of a rip off.

• Blockbuster rents Wii games for $8 for 5 days.
• Hollywood Video/Gamecrazy rents games for closer to $5 each if you sign up for a monthly fee and you still only get them for 5 days. In addition, they have miserable selection and availability.
• Gamefly has membership fees of $16 per month for 1 game at a time or $23 for 2 at a time... Almost comfortable, but I'm still not feeling warm and fuzzy about it.

So, I get the bright idea to axe all my friends if I can has games. A few of them have Wiis, most of them have the same couple of games that I do - I'm still holding out a little hope for that option. I tried finding a borrowing/lending website for games too, but haven't found anything that looks good. Andrea just suggested the library. She says she used to rent Nintendo games from the library - I'll have to look into that option...

The current state of console gaming (in my house) is apparently bit of a kerfuffle I'm afraid. I want it, but I don't have much time for it, and I'm not willing to spend a lot of money on it. The Wii, after getting games and accessories, ended up being $550ish dollars back in the day. I don't really want to do that again with a PS3 just because I had a little fun playing Little Big Planet. What to do, what to do... Writing about it has helped a little. I think I may have to do a little more research into the used games market as well. I'm gonna go dust off the damn Wii and see if it can make me happy for a little while...

Is anyone else into console gaming these days? Any wanna lend me some new games? Leave a comment! (And by that I mean leave a comment on Blogger, not Facebook. Most of you see these posts via the link to Facebook, but I'm sick and tired of Facebook collecting all the comments for my Blogger blog.)

Project Idea: Korobeiniki Ring

I've had the Tetris song stuck in my head for awhile now - at least a week. I've been whistling it and humming it at work while I'm wandering around the server room installing hardware. It's strangely appropriate... I just checked Wikipedia and apparently this song is actually called "Korobeiniki". The song is originally a Russian folk song about a peddler [possibly] getting lucky in a rye field with a girl named Katya! Interesting trivia, right? The song we all know from a video game is actually a love song. So, the last line of the song is about how the girl leaves and only takes one turquoise ring, which made me think, "how cool would it be to make a Tetris-themed turquiose ring?" I searched around and found some cube-shaped turquiose beads on Amazon. All I need is a ring base to mount them on. I really like the idea... Maybe I should draw it up and actually do it? I will try to get the motivation...

While we wait for that, check out this video:

Russian folk song "Korobushka" - Mikhail Smirnov and ensemble Barynya

Freelancing

My career as a freelancer begins today. I reckon one of the first things I oughta do is perhaps take some time to make sure that when potential clients google "Evans Tucker", they don't end up reading my ridiculous personal blog...

Or perhaps I shouldn't care? The growing technological nature of our existence will either force the Internet to get very boring by shaming us all into putting only the most bland, censored content online, or we will all just have to accept that our private lives (by which I mean the content that we post on our blogs, Twitter, Facebook, etc.) are not so private. We will have to learn to live with those drunken photos of us waving machetes around - we will have to proudly exclaim, "Yes! That was a good New Year's Eve party! Don't worry, no one was hurt. So, am I hired?"

What do you think my friends? My family?

How about you, my potential clients? Don't be shy. :)

Quick and Dirty Guide to Maui

Kihei has been our hometown for both of our trips to Maui. The first time we were there, we stayed at a resort called Hale Pau Hana that was on Kamaole beach. Both the resort and the beach were amazing! Across the street was a great shopping center with a Whaler's General Store. The first thing you gotta do when you get to Maui is buy yourself a big-ass hat, a $10 ukulele, some sunscreen, and some Hawaiian Host Chocolate Covered Macadamia Nuts. The second time we went to Maui, we stayed at an apartment called Kapulanikai, which has a huge, beautiful green lawn and a very generous mango tree - I ate mangoes almost every day. The sunsets on that lawn were so relaxing... A cool breeze would start blowing through the palm trees in the evenings, then Al and his weinerdog Tiny, would drive over on a golf cart and feed the feral kitties. A little later, everything would be silhouetted against a gorgeous sunset and then the stars would come out - a crapload of stars - a beautiful, sparkly crapload. And finally it would get a little too cold to be out in your swimsuit and you'd walk back to the apartment through a lawn covered in huge toads and snails - they would come out of hiding in the evenings and claim the lawn in the name of Toaddom. But enough of that crap, right? This is a guide.

Important note about booking stuff: do it weeks (if possible) or days (at least) in advance. Events and "activities" fill up quickly.

I will reference a book called Maui Revealed several times. Get it.

Kihei:

• Go get drinks at the South Shore Tiki Lounge. They have the best bartender I've ever met - he's friendly, gives suggestions on drinks, and gives an honest opinion about all the liquor and beer they sell. He also plays some great 90's weirdo music. When we went most recently he was playing The Country Death Song by The Violent Femmes - great song.
• Get breakfast at the Kihei Caffe. I highly recommend pancakes and coconut syrup. I also highly recommend everything else.
• If you don't wanna eat out every night (cuz it gets expensive), go grocery shopping at Hawaiian Moons.
  
• Go to Big Beach. It will instill you with a healthy amount of fear/respect for the ocean. Don't get your neck snapped by the shore break waves or I will be sad.
• Go to any of the Kamaole beaches. They're all white and sandy and beautiful and not too crowded usually and have decent snorkeling.
• Go to Po'olenalena Beach. It's hard to find - look for a sign on the side of the road near a yellow metal gate once you get in the area. It's rarely crowded and has the best snorkeling. Beth and Jake said that it was way better than paying for a crowded, stupid Molokini tour. We saw four sea turtles and a ton (probably literally) of fluorescent fish. This is the beach where we got married, by the way...

Snorkeling:

• Go to Snorkel Bob's and get some cheap $10/week Jacques-Cousteau-lookin' black rubber snorkel junk. If you're feeling uppity, get the more expensive, less-'tarded looking stuff to make yourself feel better. Either way, Snorkel Bob's is the best.
• Don't waste your money on a tour. Just find a quiet beach, preferably in the morning. Look for a rocky outcropping and start swimming. You will see all kindsa crazy crap - just don't touch none of it!
• Don't drown or get eaten by sharks.

The Road to Hana:

• Get some cash for park fees at the end of the road, pack a good lunch, wear a swimsuit, and wear some good water shoes or hiking shoes.
  
• Start early - like really early - like be out the door by 8 if you wanna actually stop anywhere and check anything out. If you don't leave till 10 or 11, just skip all the stops and enjoy the drive - it's ridiculously verdant and pretty.
  
• Drive safe or you will die.
  
• Don't bother with one of those audio guide CDs - they're all garbage. Use the Maui Revealed book to attempt to find some waterfalls - it's cryptic and confusing though. Just persevere and you'll be rewarded eventually.
• Stop somewhere and get some over-hyped banana bread. It won't change your life or anything, but it is pretty tasty.
• Stop at the Garden of Eden and check out all the birds and plants. There are tame peacocks and ducks - maybe not everyone's cup of tea, but my inner child enjoyed it.
• I regret not stopping at Waianapanapa Park - perhaps you should check it out and lemme know if it's cool. It's allegedly got a nice black sand beach.
  
• Skip the town of Hana itself - there's nothing to see there, hehe. I've never stopped there anyway.
• Do not miss this part! Go all the way to Kipahulu area of Haleakala National Park. Pay the fee. Keep your ticket stub - you can use it again (within 3 days) to get into the other parts of Haleakala National Park for free. Start hiking. You will be hiking for several hours. It is all worth it. First you will go past some beautiful waterfalls - go swimming if you wish, but don't dawdle too much. You will go through some forest. You will reach the entrance to a bamboo forest. The bamboo will block out all daylight and it will be creepy and awesome. You will hike for a while through this. You will find a secret at the end that we mortals aren't worthy to behold... don't get killed by falling rocks.

Mama's Fish House/Paia:

You could theoretically fit this into the Road to Hana adventure, but it'd be rough. Go to Mama's Fish House. It'll come out to $100/person, but it's fantastic and the hype is justified. The food is great - especially the lau lau, the drinks are great tasting if perhaps slightly weak, the service is fantasic, the venue is piiiiimp - but island pimp - lot's of fine furnishings and driftwood and local flare. Walk around after you eat. Wander around the grounds outside as well. This is your one and only time to dress up nice and go on a date. If you want to leave a little early, you can wander around Paia before you go eat - it's like a smaller version of Lahaina. I didn't find anything really notable there, but that doesn't mean you won't.

Lahaina:

• You can make this a short stop on the way to West Maui, or you can make a day of it by chartering some kinda boat or submarine in advance. Tell me how a boat charter goes if you do that - I've never gone on a cruise or a sail or whatever in Maui.
  
• Eat at the original Cheeseburger in Paradise - everything's good - not just the burgers.
• Check out the Banyan Tree Park and reflect upon the fact that this forest is actually all one massive tree. ONE TREE! Unbelievable!
• Book a submarine ride at Atlantis Adventures - it's worth it if you've never been on a sub before. You'll probably see some rays and eels and possibly even some sharks. Plus you get to experience science - almost all light except ultraviolet gets filtered out once you get deep... It's weird.
  
• Check out all the art. This place is apparently one of the larger art capitals of the world.
• Don't bother hanging out after dark - the nightlife is back in Kihei.

West Maui:

• This is another long trip, but it's worth it. This is the hot, dry side of Maui. Wear good shoes, pack snacks and lots of water, don't bother with a hat - it'll be too windy.
• The "falling rocks" signs are not just for show here - drive safe and watch for rubble and/or boulders on the road.
• Read the directions in the Maui Revealed book for the "acid warzone" hike. Go on it. It's rad.
• Look at the ocean - I have never seen a more powerful force of nature than these waves crashing against the jagged rocks below.
• Keep going until you reach the Nakalele Blowhole. You will know it when you see it - it's not a tiny little puff of mist - it's a huge geyser. Go play in it, but don't fall in or you will die.
• Don't go too near the cliffs around the blowhole either - the ocean is sneaky in this area and just when you start to get used to it, it will send a huge wave up and over that barrier and knock you over and/or drag you screaming out to sea where it will pulp you against the rocks below. (This phenomenon as well as the awesomeness of the blowhole itself vary depending on the time of day/tide/wind.)
• Once you're bored of the blowhole, go try to find the Olivine Pools.

Iao Valley:

• Stop at the Bailey House Museum in Wailuku. It's got some damn interesting stuff to look at/read about.
• Go see Iao Valley.
• Don't allow the tiny paved "official" trail area to confine you - just start walking towards the needle on one of the dirt paths and see where you go.
• The trails branch a lot. Don't get lost in the woods and die.
• See all that yellow fruit on the ground? Find a good one and eat it. It's passion fruit (aka. "lilikoi"). If you do get lost, at least you won't die of starvation. And come to think of it, there aren't really any large predators in Maui, or snakes, or anything dangerous. If you manage to die in Iao Valley you must be some kinda crazy, accident prone dumbass.

Haleakala:

• Remember that ticket stub from the end of the Road to Hana trip? Here's where you'll use it.
• Don't be fooled into going to see a sunrise on Haleakala. It is really, without exaggeration, barely above freezing and there are 20 to 30 mph wind gusts. Unless you specifically packed a thick winter wardrobe, you will regret it.
• On the drive up and on some of the hikes, watch for the cloud layer. When you're in it, it's like being in some ghost world. Freaky! Nothing's quite as amazing and driving down into the clouds either.
  
• Go on as many of the hiking trails as you can. Seeing the Haleakala "crater" from each one is amazing. Sit down at the end of a good hike and watch the clouds spill into the valley.
• See if you can find some silverswords before they go extinct. They're up towards the very top where it's mostly reddish volcanic rock.
• Check out a sunset perhaps? I didn't do it, but I will if I ever get another chance.
• Book an adventure at Skyline Eco Adventures. They tell great jokes. "What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? Boo-bees! ...they're my favorite kind of bees too." Hehehe.

Luau:

• Just go see one. Book well in advance if you can. I've been to the highest rated "Old Lahaina Luau", which was great, but the other one I went to in Kihei (I forget the name) was fun too.

I'll get photos of our Maui trip up soon. Send me stories of yours if you ever go!

Evans-vite: My Birthday Party

I'm turning 100000 years old this Saturday and I wanna go toobin'. So, getcho swim trunks and yo flippie floppies and join me!

When: Saturday, June 20th at 2:00pm
Where: Rocking R River Rides (1405 Gruene Rd, New Braunfels, TX 78130)

• Toob rentals are about $15 each - I can probably get a group discount depending on how many people show.
• I'm not taking my cell phone, so don't be late or you will be floating alone...
  
• Bring sunscreen, use it, and reapply, or else.
• If you decide to bring tasty beverages, be sure to bring them in cans or plastic - no glass is allowed on the river.

Gruene (part of New Braunfels) is a weird little town. I plan on driving down there early to wander around and get some lunch. If you're interested in joining me, let me know before Saturday.





There are only 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Acrochordon

In addition to rashes in fun places, I've recently developed some of these as well. More commonly known as "skin tags". Three of them on my neck. They're a real pain in the ass - er... a pain in the neck - when you're trying to shave. Coincidentally, they might be caused by irritating the skin (for example, by running a razor over my skin on a weekly basis.) It was just one and now two more have appeared. I'm thinking home surgery might be the solution. Dry ice and forceps?

Ignoring them is another easy, do-it-yourself solution...

Stupid human body.

Poison Ivy

Evans pulled a bunch of vines off of the fence the other day. They turned out to be poison ivy. Evans got poison ivy rashes in various places on his body. What is the worst possible place that he could get a rash? Please leave your answer in the comments.

My woman is AWESOME!

So, Andrea's company rented out a theater at the Alamo Drafthouse for their quarterly company meeting/party. Her company is awesome like that. They had a contest to give away tickets to ACL. Andrea won one by singing her favorite song.

Here's a link to the song. And here's Andrea singing it. And here's her encore, cuz people loved it so much that they made her get up and sing it again!

Andrea, you rule! I love you!